Tonight after getting home from a hockey game I went to with some friends, I was getting ready to take a shower when I prayed, God, I just want to go home. I stopped and thought about what I just said. I am home.
This thought has been happening more frequently lately, and I’ve had it both here and at school. When I’m at school I don’t give much attention to it because home is home with my family. But is it really? Why would I want to go home when I’m already home?
I’ve been understanding lately that home can be in more than one place. Both my home at home with my parents and my dorm room at school feel like home, but at the same time they don’t. I’m not sure if the home I’m longing for is in heaven with Jesus or if I’m longing for something else, like a home I haven’t found yet.
I have pretty much decided that my home isn’t here with my family. I love it here, but I don’t fit in. I’m comforted by the portions of the Bible that say we were meant to be holy and set apart (1 Peter 1:16, Leviticus 11:44, 45, and 19:2) because by no means do I fit in.
For example, I was in a worship band at my church for about five years, but I had to quit the band to go to college, and since it’s a youth band I recently aged out. One of the girls from the band, who is also one of my best friends, goes to the same university as I do. We both came back for Christmas break, and she has already been asked to lead worship multiple times. This is hard for me because it feels as if I’m not good enough. I feel left out when all of my friends get to spend time practicing then, ultimately, leading worship together. This hurts, but at the same time I don’t think I’m supposed to lead worship right now. This is a struggle for me because I want to do something that God doesn’t necessarily want me doing.
This feeling didn’t start recently; it’s been happening for years. Among my various friend groups I never seem to quite fit in. People like me and we get along but there is some disconnect. Right now it is partially because I’m not in the band, but there is something else too. I just don’t know what it is. My struggle is that God is calling me to be different, but I’m stuck in middle-school mode where I want to be doing what’s “cool.” I really want to be in the worship band to bring glory to Christ, but I do know that my friends doing it is a part of it because if they weren’t, I wouldn’t care nearly as much. It hurts me to think this and shows me that my heart isn’t even in the right place.
I’ve gone through phases where I want to be different. I want to stand out and do something great while all of my friends are busy doing something else; however, I never considered not fitting in to be a part of that process. I guess it makes sense. How can you fit in and be different at the same time? It truly is like being a dandelion in a field of roses. Being different doesn’t always feel good. Is there any chance I’m a rose in a field of dandelions?
My point is God created us to be different. If I’m comfortable and feel at home, then what am I doing that is making a difference? We can’t grow in our comfort zone. Maybe growing up feeling like an outcast was just God showing me that I am different. I am set apart. I am holy, like Him. I am not only set apart from unbelievers, but also from fellow Christians. We were all called to do different things, but instead of working on my own unique talents, I keep trying to do what everyone else is doing. I think it’s time to stop trying to blend in.